“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
(Romans 7, vs 15)
That resonates with me.
I chase after boys who do not love me, and never will. I use jealousy as a way to keep them interested, and when that does not work I begin to panic. I fall in love too fast, and too hard; I loose all inhibitions. I bow to infatuation’s requests and loose myself in the process. I cry. I plead. I make up excuses for them to stay, but they never do. I feel worthless and used. I feel out of place. I feel replaced. I feel like I do not have any idea how I got myself into this place – again – and that nobody will help me out because it is my fault that I am here. I am trapped in a haze of repetition, and all I want is to be free. I want to be worthy, I want to be desired, I want to be loved in return. I do well some days to avoid the boys who love me for the things that they can grab and/or gawk at. When I am lonely they are hard to resist. ‘Any attention is better than no attention,” I tell myself. I am in love with being wanted. I am obsessed with being desired. But these moments are fleeting and these men move on to the girls with better assets and easier ideas. The ones who are not crippled with shame for what they have become. They come back to me when they want a ‘quick fix.’ They don’t want commitment. I am takeaway food but I want to be a staple.
I struggle to understand the greatness of my God, that He would redeem one such as me and then over and over again as I continue to slip back into the same sin and ideas. I am reduced to nothing. And yet… I still stand.
“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
All praise to Him,